Chapter 45: Lessons Learned, Chapter 46: Stories Yet to Be Written

It’s hard to believe it’s already been a little over a month since turning 46. On the eve of my birthday, I sat in the Hematology/Oncology clinic—where Lady Gaga & Bruno Mars song, “Die with a Smile,” played in the waiting room (not exactly comforting). I was already on the verge of tears, and that song, echoing in the background while I sat alone, had me biting my lip just to keep it together. My mind was anything but quiet—replaying a year that was both one of the hardest but also one of the most healing of my life. Sitting there waiting to be called back was certainly nerve wracking, but at the same time, I felt calm knowing no matter what the future holds, I can handle whatever comes my way.

In Chapter 45, I walked through the aftermath of a breakup that followed an abusive relationship that was hidden from the outside world and concealed behind closed doors. The only ones who “saw,” it was my children. A relationship where my vulnerabilities were used as weapons, stories twisted to make me out to be a lunatic and even worse- my children out to be the problem. The fallout left me without closure, disconnected from the person I used to be, and carrying a deep fear of ever letting someone close again. It felt like I was standing in the aftermath of a devastating storm, yet there was no pause button on life. I had to keep moving forward and showing up-at work, at home and especially for my kids-even when inside I was anything but okay. The weight of unanswered questions, the pain of loving someone who was never who I thought, and the fracture of lost trust stayed with me long after the relationship ended. Some days I barely recognized the woman staring back at me in the mirror, and the thought of trusting someone or opening my heart again, felt impossible. That season forced me to stop searching for love from someone else and to look within-to heal, rebuild, to love and respect myself as well as to find the pieces of me I didn't even realize I'd lost.

That was the turning point and I chose to do things completely different over the past year than I've ever done before. I didn’t date this year. I didn’t seek out romantic connections or intimacy. Instead, Chapter 45 became a year of self reflection, rebuilding and healing from the inside out. I slowed down, I focused on my health, my kids, family and career. I journaled. I allowed myself to feel the weight of emotions I had previously stuffed in a box and pretended they didn’t exist. The breakthrough was forcing myself to face the painful emotions I had buried for so long, versus pretending I was fine. By sitting with the grief and pain instead of running from it, I began to understand myself in a new way. I sat with emotions I’d previously avoided and I felt them. I cried. Ohhh boy did I cry. I grieved. I began to recognize early red flags and patterns, knowing I never wanted to find myself in a relationship with the same painful cycles. It truly was two steps forward, one step back. I found the courage to set boundaries where I once stayed silent, trust my intuition and voice again. Over the past year, I slowly regained my confidence and learned to love myself in ways that were long overdue. It was messy, raw, and anything but glamorous, but it was real—and it was necessary.

It truly was one of the hardest years, yet there were also victories along the way. I wrote and published a book. I drafted 3 fiction novels that will be a series once published. I took my kids on our first cruise—something I’d dreamt to do with them for years and we had an ABSOLUTE blast. I showed up for therapy, ready to talk about the hard truths, knowing that’s where the real healing begins. My relationship with each of my kids has continued to grow stronger, each in their own unique way. I had an exceptional year with work and was asked to take on a new role, in which I love.

This year, I became an almost-empty nester. I watched two of my kids take big steps into adulthood as they moved into places of their own. I taught my youngest to drive and I can proudly say all five of my kids are licensed drivers (which still blows my mind). As a Mom, I’ve discovered the bittersweet balance of cheering for their independence while still feeling the tug in my heart that comes with letting go.

I've ventured out and tried new things—still a firm “no” to spicy foods-but I also embraced small luxuries that once felt indulgent. I gave back to my community through time and resources. I contributed and attended charity events. Beyond attending charity events, some of the sweetest moments of giving back came in unexpected ways-like the afternoon my daughter & I spent hours (when temps were in the teens) coaxing a stray cat into safety. Our patience (and a little steak) paid off and now, “Rabadash,” was adopted and is living happily ever after in a warm, loving home.

At 45…I learned some really hard life lessons...

• Letting go—even when it hurts—is part of life.

• I won’t always know why.

• There is beauty to be found every single day, even in the hardest ones.

• I am strong and resilient, but I don’t have to be invincible.

• The people who truly love me, love me even when I’m not holding it all together.

• I can do anything I set my mind to, but it’s okay to ask for help—or to say no.

One of my biggest breakthroughs was realizing I wasn’t broken or “the common denominator,” in my failed relationships. Understanding that the things said to me and the horrific names he called me weren't true, but rather, lies meant to keep me small. I finally saw that I know myself, and what I really needed was to give myself the same grace I freely give others, to love and respect myself first, so I'd stop attacting or tolerating men who couldn't.

This past year has been messy, raw, painful and exhausting…both mentally & physically but it also has been incredibly transformative and beautiful. As I step into 46, I’m not carrying the expectation to have it all figured out but I will be carrying the lessons, the strength, the softness, and the courage to keep showing up—whatever this next chapter brings.

Here’s to Chapter 46…a year of continued growth, happiness and finding beauty in the everyday-even the messy ones.

xoxo,